The Smudge Report

It was my third night of imbibing before the calendar reached Friday and I must say that it was the most interesting of the week.  Yesterday kicked off among other things the beginning of March Madness, Spring, and a five month stretch of interactions with crazy girls that will end in me being either sterile or married.  Last night, the first of my spring mistakes made her official debut. Two of the roommates, the damsel who would later be in distress, and I decided to patronize a bar where I was the only black bouncer since 1987.  I have since resigned from my post but due to their nightly drink specials I occasionally find myself tipping former co-workers.  So we’re there and it’s apparent to everyone that she’s significantly more drunk than the rest of us so I’m forced to order an L.I.T. , drink her vodka cran and a beer to get to some level of functionality.  Unfortunately, I am forced to use discretion regarding the conversation that took place but it involved public transportation and monuments in France.  Needless to say, that combined with her top made quite the scene.  The guys wanted to throw me a high-five and their girlfriends showed looks of disgust while mumbling O.M.G.  We watched some b-ball before it was mutually agreed upon that we should bounce to another bar to get some alone time.  WHAT A MISTAKE.  Arrive at the next bar and I run into people I know.  It’s always good to arrive at another bar with an attractive girl as it makes it easier to approach girls that are more attractive, but that’s not the case when she’s stumbling as bad as I do on a Monday morning going to work.  It’s not that fun.  I can’t afford to be kicked out of another bar.  After being banned from all but 5 bars with this one forgiving 2 intense Sunday Fundays within the past month I’m close to  having only 4 bars left.  As it would have appeared to the bouncer this girl was determined to make that happen by yelling at him and yelling at the bartender. Two vodka crans(her choice, I drank them), boobies, and some falling by both parties later  when it was decided to go home for a re-up before hitting another bar. Long story short, girl gets locked in a bathroom with no lock, breaks her cell phone and psychoanalyzes herself before I have to throw her in a cab. Oddly enough, we talked this morning and may be going out again next week at my discretion.  You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife! (see video above)

 Later that night we got in our third argument in as many weeks with our attorney neighbor.  He has a cute wife but she’s been gaining a little weight. As it turns out she’s eight months pregnant, hence why lawyer neighbor has been all up in our grills. Last night got to the point where he threatened litigation to which my legal scholar roommate responded by trading jabs regarding the prestige of their respective firms.  This escalated into an argument where lawyer neighbor(5′9″) pushes roommate (6′5″).  Unfortunately, due to a pending gag order, I can not discuss further details. 

In other news, how ’bout that Duke game?