The Smudge Report

Rollin by Jackie Chain of Huntsville, AL is simply the hottest song out right now.  It’s relatively unknown outside of the south but trust me, you’ll see.  Sampling the trance classic “children” with chopped and screwed lyrics for the hook this song is a combination of all that is great about my music taste.  I’ll bang out more postings once I get my macintosh fixed but until then just Roll like Jackie Chain.

PS.  Did I mention that Jackie Chain is half white, half korean.  Crazy I know but he’s still pretty good.

Stumble out of bed. French Shower. Throw on a fly ass outfit suitable for Milan and it’s time to catch the BUS.  I arrive at the bus portico engaged in an internal debate on the merits of skipping work.  Do I go, Do I skip, Do I go, Do I skip…I’ll just skip across the street and have the best of both worlds.  Skipping was a bad idea as I find myself ralphing behind the bus shelter.  Surprisingly, not one pedestrian managed to take offense and I suspect that it’s because they’ve all walked a day in my topsiders.  Things are starting to look up.  The spinning stops, I grab a paper and sit patiently for the bus.  I will make it to work today! 7:31 and the bus arrives and it’s the usual cast of characters.  The fly hoodrat busdriver with the 1997 haircut; Miguel, Sanchez, Jose and Billy en route to some obligatory construction site.  Maria and Maria are on their way to take care of bratty white babies in the upper northwest and they always have a smile on their face.  Hell, I would too if i got bomb ass fajitas every night.  Right behind the Marias is the hot mulatto chick that I’ve been dreaming about since August.  Her age ranges anywhere from the late twenties to the mid thirties, regardless I’d hit it like Jason Giambi playing T-ball.  Out of the park.  One day I’ll get the digits but until then I’ll leave her wondering about the chocolate truffle draped in pink cable knit.  There are a few private school kids and it’s quite a dichotomy due to the fact that there is Chelsea Clinton’s Alma Mater right up the street from a school that pumps out conservatives.  Despite this everyone manages to co-exist on the bus and we continue to barrel up Wisconsin Ave picking up the occasional crackhead, cop, or hipster that’s doing their part to lower their carbon footprint.  I think to myself, TGIF.  Then I realize that I will not be going home to watch Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Perfect Strangers or any of the other bastions of my youth but my new friends Jack D, Jimmy B, and the Russian should make things all better.  Arrive to work, no bagels F! are my eyes red, Yes? F! but finally the bagels make their way to the kitchen and things start to look up.

What led up to this?  If only I could remember.  Something about an open bar, dancing with randos and a pack of smokes.

Well it appears that I will have to make a trip up north later this spring to defend myself in the court of law.  Undoubtedly, a mistake from my youth is responsible for my meeting with Judge White.  Hopefully I will not have to serve too much time, but while I’m in the “bing” expect me to be hard at work on my debut Rap album. More to come on this matter in the coming weeks.

Throughout the spring I will be posting links and videos to the soundtrack for the summer of 2008.  With self-proclaimed impeccable music taste I feel that it is my duty to provide this service. Without further adieu I present Say Yeah by Wiz Khalifa.  The producer behind this track had the genius to sample Alice Deejay’s “Better Off Alone” for the lead single for Wiz’s mainstream debut.  This Pittsburgh artist has been generating buzz regionally and has even made it out of Pennsylfucky and on to the major Philly radio stations.  Trust me, that sort of intrastate support is rare.  “Better Off Alone” was a fun party song when that came out in the days of my youth and hopefully this update will serve a similar function.  The video is a bit low budget but I can’t fault,  after-all the guy is from Pittsburgh.

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus.  With tantrums at falafel houses and romps at Hooters I’ve found myself neglecting my literary duties. For that I apologize.  Notwithstanding the jaunt to Pistolvania the bulk of my inactivity can be attributed to my pay schedule.  This Monday when i miraculously made it into work I discovered that it was payday, a day earlier than I had anticipated.  The only way to celebrate such an occasion is by a week long binge reminiscent of carnival.  Monday, a bottle and a half of Chardonnay.  Tuesday, happy hour followed by Pilsner.  Wednesday, Merlot( good for the heart). Thursday, magnum bottle of Chardonnay then whatever followed at the bar.  Later that night there was something involving apple juice and tobacco but whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Today…well we know what’s going to happen later.  Despite my imbibing I managed to make it into work, granted I was late three out of five days this week but that is to be blamed on DC’s public transportation and not my own lack of respect for corporate America.  This morning after being a whopping half an hour late I’m called into the small conference room by my manager. Uh oh! I’m forced to shoot off one of my prepackaged excuses that my parents and Deans have heard for years and it seems to do the trick.  He then proceeds to tell me that I am very intelligent and articulate and whether I plan on being with the company for the long or short term, that I have a future.   To this I want to reply, “no shit Sherlock”, but I simply sit in silence fussing with a button on my blazer.  No good deed goes unpunished so the reverse must be true as-well.

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Where were you in 2000?  I was a young lad gallivanting around my prep school’s campus inspired by the magnificence of the song posted above.  Recently MTV Jams, my favorite channel, has been playing videos either filmed in Miami or by Miami artist.  The “Thong Song” is among that lot.  Sisqo truly was a visionary with his anthem praising “thongs”, “dumps like trucks” and “living la vida loca”.  This very video inspired me to dye my hair ( we ran out of bleach so with half a dye job it was decided that I was better off bald. They called me Morpehous for the rest of the week).  The “Thong Song” came out at the peak of Sisqo’s solo success, previously he was the front man of the late 90’s sensation Dru Hill.  Sisqo’s solo star power was epitomized three minutes and fifteen seconds into the video when he hurdles atop a bevy of beauties and is transported on to a stage under black lights with a freaking SUPERNOVA! in the background.  It’s truly an amazing moment. On the stage is a 9 piece string ensemble and in front of the stage are roughly two dozen shorties wearing fluorescent swimsuits!  Joseph Kahn certainly received a  visit from a muse in order to conceptualize such a fulfilling video. I am mesmerized everytime I see it and still hold Sisqo in high esteem.  There’s also a blonde at three minutes 55 seconds who tickles my fancy.

As I stumbled into my office with a gait reminiscent of Jack Sparrow from the Pirate movies (got juice boxes last night!) I was reminded by my rumbling stomach of my genius recipe and how I desperately craved more for breakfast.  It all started three weeks ago when I went on a bender at my local supermarket.  I ended up dropping a hundred and ”borrowing” a shopping cart but the most important part of the story is that i picked up a few packets of bacon and a box of Gorton’s fish sticks.  Upon surveying my bounty I wondered what I could concoct with so much food when I realized that bacon and fish sticks made the perfect match.  The kind of match that made it to the hot tub at the end of an episode of “Blind Date”.   My recipe for Bacon Wrapped Fish Sticks and Secret Sauce is as follows:

1. Take the fish sticks and bake them until the fire alarm goes off.

2. Turn off the fire alarm.

3. Wrap the Fish Sticks! in bacon.

4.Put them  in the frying pan and cook until everything is a crisp golden brown.

…Simple right? Now time for the sauce.

The Key ingredients are Sandwich Spread(My roommate says it’s a black thing, I say it’s for everybody), Franks Red Hot Sauce(I guess another black thing), and Horseradish (definitely not a black thing).  Once you have the key ingredients you mix it all in a bowl and “Bam!” you got the secret sauce.  Once this is all complete grab your Rick Ross CD and play track number 4.  If you don’t “get some get some, in the front seat of the hummer” after that then I’m not bdmfs.